There’s a what, in the where….

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The fact that he had just been told there was a spaceship in his neighbours garage should really have caused Seamus some concern right? The thing is, if you knew anything about the man next door at all,  then you would understand that in the grand scheme of things a little spaceship wasn’t that much out of character.

So the news found Seamus calmly shrugging his shoulders as opposed to running about the yard like a headless chicken, whilst squealing like a pig!

“So what does he plan to do with this spaceship then?”  he asked.

“Well dance to it I presume,” said Billy looking at his best friend quizzically. “What the feck did you think he was going to do with it?”

Seamus started to laugh, until that is he looked at Billy’s face and realised that he was actually serious.

“Is there some kind of little dance you do to get it started? Does dancing make it happy? How the hell can you dance to a spaceship, Billy ffs, catch yourself on!”

“There’s no need for the sarcasm sunshine, I’m pretty sure you press a button to turn it on, and dancing to it certainly seems to make him next door happy. Yesterday I heard him singing along to it as well.”

“Billy sometimes I wonder about yo….” started an exasperated Seamus.

“Look if you don’t believe me, see for yourself, there he goes now to get it started,” said Billy pointing towards the garage at the top of the garden.

Sure enough, giving them a wave, their neighbour slipped in through the garage doors. Many bangs and clanks could be heard from within.

“Any minute now,” shouted an excited Billy bouncing up and down.

Next thing Seamus sees are the doors of the garage being flung open and he can hardly believe what his ears are hearing, as out of the garage comes the all to familiar lyrics….

♪ Looking in your eyes I see a paradise, This world that I found is too good to be true.
    Standing here beside you, Want so much to give you……

“I know what I want to give you Billy ya fecking dickhead, that’s not a spaceship, that’s Starship!! See if I get my hands on you……”

Written for the Okay, What If? Month Long Writing Challenge – What if you discovered a space-ship in your neighbor’s garage?

The Belfast Super Heroes!

B&S BannerIt’s Saturday afternoon and Billy and Seamus are sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of tea whilst keeping on eye on the football:

Billy: Did you ever in yer life hear so much fuss about fecking Batman.

Seamus: You mean about the fact thon fella from Daredevil is playing him?

Billy: Aye, the Bat Geeks are not a happy bunch just now.

Seamus: What do you think our names would be if we were super heroes?

Billy: (Laughing) Well you’d definitely be Twatman.

Seamus: Oh ha ha ya fecking genius, when I cuff you one round the lugs you’ll be Throbin!!

Daily Prompt: Life Line ft Billy & Seamus

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Daily Prompt: Life Line

You’re on a long flight, and a palm reader sitting next to you insists she reads your palm. You hesitate, but agree. What does she tell you?

Being the weekend and on the lookout for something different to do Billy and Seamus decide to take flight to Dublin for the day.

Not having had the sense to book tickets in advance, the two lads find the Enterprise already packed when they board at Central Station.

Not to be deterred they sit down at a table that is currently occupied by only one person, a middle aged lady.

Billy: “Here Mrs, do you mind if we sit here? “

Lady: “Not at all son, make yourself comfortable, we’ve a long way to go.”

Billy: “Thanks a bunch. “

Seamus: “Aye thanks Mrs, that’s while decent of ye.”

Billy: “So are you off to Dublin for the day an all then?”

Lady: “No son, I’ve a show to do down there.”

Seamus: “A show? Are you a singer? “

Billy: “….ah go on an sing somethin for us will ye?”

Lady: (laughs) “No I’m not a singer. I tell fortunes.”

Billy: “Ah get away with ye, I’ll be thinking ye have crystal balls next, only that’s impossible on account of you being a woman an all.”

Lady: “Indeed. No crystal balls here I’m afraid.”

Billy: “All that shoite freaks me out just a little to be honest. Unless yer gonna give me the lotto numbers I don’t think I wanna know. Imagine if you told me that in the next 30 minutes I was gonna be tatey breed ffs.”

Lady: “Tatey breed?”

Billy: “Aye, tatey breed…..deed.”

Seamus: “He means dead, you know as in kicked the bucket…”

Lady:  “….ahh I see.”

Billy: “If you don’t have crystal balls, so to speak, how do you tell someone’s fortune then?”

Lady: “I use hands.”

Seamus: “Ah feck sake Billy sure we’re fine, nothing to be scared of here, we’re no use to her. Thank feck for that.”

Billy: “You’ve lost me…..”

Seamus: “Well we’re male for starters.”

Billy: “Right?”

Seamus: “An our names are Billy an Seamus.”

Billy: “I’m still not following…..”

Seamus: “Ahh feck Billy, do you no get it. She’s a Pam reader!”

Daily Prompt: Everything Changes ft Billy & Seamus

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Daily Prompt: Everything Changes

Walking down the street, you encounter a folded piece of paper on the sidewalk. You pick it up and read it and immediately, your life has changed. Describe this experience.

“Billy what’s that by the side of the road?”

“Don’t de so feckin lazy an go an look for yerself, can ye not seem I’m busy here.” 

“Aye. Busy doing nothing ya big lump.”

Seamus picks something up off the ground.

“It’s a note.”

“Aww happy days Seamus, please tell me it’s a £20 note, I could do with a pint.”

“No Billy, it’s not that kinda note. It’s a Doctor’s note. They found your missing brain cell.”

“Ha feckin ha.  Seriously though what is it?”

“It’s an invitation to the Europa Hotel for your man that tends the fires down at the forge works.”

“Ye mean wee Sooty, on account of the fact the wee bugger looks like a chimney sweep, always covered from head to toe in the stuff from the arse of the fire.” 

“Aye that’s the one.”

“C’mon we’ll take it down to him, sure we’re not doing anything else anyway.”

Billy and Seamus reach the Forge Works and ask to speak to Sooty. 

“Alright lads. Youse lookin for me?”

“Aye Soot…..”

“Ye can call me Joe.”

“Aye Joe, we found this here invitation addressed to you, it’s for the Europa Hotel.”

“Ye did not. Feck that’s brilliant. I thought I’d lost it and wasn’t going to be able to go. I’ve won a prize and that’s where I’m supposed to collect it. Thanks so much. Here take this £20 and buy yourselves a couple of pints, my way of saying thanks.”

“Ach no we couldn’t………”

“Look I insist, you have no idea how grateful I am.”

“Well thanks very much indeed. Glad to help.  Looks like you shall go to the ball after all Cinder fella.”


NB: Wracked my brain for half a day and couldn’t think of anything else. Yvette don’t you dare shout, I promise not all posts will be BIlly & Seamus related! :)

Billy & Seamus: Work Experience Day

B&S BannerIn an attempt to increase his skills and get Seamus back into work, the dole office send him on a one day work experience to an office supplies company.

Later in the pub the lads are discussing the days events.

Billy: Well Seamus how did you get on the day then?

Seamus: Aye, no to bad, the craic was mighty. The boss was a bit of an eejit tho.

Billy: How so?

Seamus: Well,  here be’s me to the boss, where do you want this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap.

Billy: Right?

Seamus: ‘An he says pop it over there in the corner. It took me four feckin hours!!

NB: Many thanks to Fiona McK who texted me this gem last night, I had to pad it out a little but the punchline had me literally laughing my ass off! She gets the credit for this one :)

What ya wanna do?

Daily Prompt: A to Z 

Create a short story, piece of memoir, or epic poem that is 26 sentences long, in which the first sentence begins with “A” and each sentence thereafter begins with the next letter of the alphabet.

Decision making Norn Ireland style.

Ach look at that sunshine. What should we do today?

Belfast will be chocker block, not sure I fancy it to be honest.

Chippy tea anyways, no matter where we go, ok?

Do you not think you could do with losing a couple of pounds ya big gorb.

Eh? What you on about, sure my body’s a temple.

Ffs, it’s certainly the size of a temple. (laughing)

Give my head peace will ya, you know what I mean.

Here. What about getting one of them new fangled trains up to Portrush?

I’m skint. I’ve enough for a dander round and me chips and that’s about it.

Job seekers not come in yet then?

Kiss my arse, ya cheeky shite.

Listen, we need to make a decision here, cos the day’s marchin on.

My minds a blank. I can’t think of anything to do at all.

Nor me.

Ok so what’s our options?

Portrush or Belfast, that’s all we’ve come up with so far.

Quite a choice there, just not sure I fancy either. I’d love to do something different.

Right ye are, so think of something then ya gormless eejit.

Shusssh, I’m getting the old brain in gear as we speak.

Thought I smelt burnin!

Up yours! At least I’m trying.

Very trying, that you certainly are.

Wait i’ve got it…

Xray vision?

You know that place where all the animals are…ahhhh…Bellevue…?

Zoo? Aye thats a good un, let’s go, I’ve got enough to get us both in.