Which way now?

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I think I’m at a bit of a crossroads and I am not sure what direction to take.

Every day this week I have plonked myself in front of my computer with the intention of writing something, anything. Instead, I have nothing, not a damn thing. That makes me question why I am here and why I continue to do this. Even now as I sit here trying to put everything down it’s twisting and turning in my head.

I never thought I would last this long to be honest, I rarely stick at anything. If I don’t feel it’s working then I let it go. I set standards for myself that are usually unachievable and berate myself when I fail. What I don’t realise at the time is that I am usually setting myself up to fail.

When I started blogging I wanted to get the word out there, I wanted people to read, while I didn’t want to be famous, I did want some interaction. I have written many posts before detailing how what I thought would happen and what did happen were two different things and I still stand by those sentiments as expressed in this post:

When you sit down, cup of coffee in hand and look back, because someone has challenged you as to the reasons why you blog, you will realise it is because you have become part of a family. You will begin to appreciate the love that surrounds you, the support that is offered to you and help you receive. You will realise that it is these people, along with your family and friends who have provided light in the darkness and a reason to smile when you thought there was none

Giving up is not an option. While I still feel like I do not measure up, I finally feel like I fit somewhere. I’m a very small part, but I am a part none the less.

I think I am changing, perhaps I am even starting to grow up. I still want to be the happy person I used to be, but most days life has a habit of suppressing it, there is too much other shit to deal with and it’s constant. By the time I deal with all the responsibilities I am too tired to deal with anything else.

I feel restricted in some ways, again, no ones fault but my own. In going back to my statement earlier about wanting to get the word out there I told people I knew, from real life when I started blogging and now I wish I hadn’t because in doing so I feel that I can’t be as open or as honest as I would like to be. That’s something I have to figure out a solution for own my own.

I don’t want to be the kind of person who throws posts out just to fill empty spaces or get blog views, I no longer care about stats, but I do care about this community. I wish I could go back to my younger days were words flowed, they just were and I did not have to give thought or consideration to what anyone else might think.

Sometime in the future I might decide that writing and blogging is no longer for me, but today is not that day.

Perhaps it is more about finding a balance than choosing a path.

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50 thoughts on “Which way now?

  1. The last sentence said it all love. I was in the same perdicament as you and I let my blog go for a long time, didn’t write anything and didn’t interact with the community and in so doing I almost lost everything I had worked for, I too had to find a balance. If there is anything I can do, you know how to reach me <3

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  2. You are singing my song! You are a brilliant writer and here is why, you are not a navel gazer! no purple prose here no descending into darkness and abject misery… You don’t engage in trendy haiku. You don’t expect the earth to stop its rotation because it has discovered it and the universe don’t revolve around you. I think I’m trying to say, you are an honest and well adjusted human being.
    I don’t like talking directly about myself, that’s why my blog contains fictional characters. I’m a fiction fanatic. For me, Fiction makes the truth more interesting and pleasantly palatable. No matter what route you take to get at the truth… Truth is all that matters. I believe people quickly recognize truth from BS. Your blog is so refreshingly honest and personal that I consider it indispensable.

    My stats stink and I’m proud of it! I don’t promote my blog except in a feeble way on Twitter. But I do have a small handful of readers who actually read my blog posts and keep up with all of my nonsense and they make it all worthwhile for me. When I started blogging, I quickly found out that most bloggers don’t read other blogs. Navel gazing seems to be a key element for many bloggers. They like to talk but rarely listen. I truly believe that many of them blog because their family is sick and tired of listening to them…. That’s the only way I can explain their ability to create a blog post every 30 minutes….
    Google has not yet resolved the speech typing issue so I MUST end it here, as my Google keyboard fills with cache it begins typing total gibberish.
    👍 I hope some of this was helpful!

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    • “They like to talk but rarely listen,” sums it up for me. I have two followers who actually read and comment intelligently, two others hit the like button before they could possibly have read more than the title and goodness knows what happened to the rest. I used to visit followers’ blogs and comment regularly. I gave that up when I realised connection wasn’t a part of their blogging agenda. Thank you for listening.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Commenting is an awkward one for me. I usually struggle over what to say, if anything. Sometimes there is enough in a post and there is nothing to add, or sometimes it’s already been covered in the comments of others. More often than not I am more in awe of the way people write, I can’t explain it in words to well, but the general gist is that sometimes I think that no matter what I write it’s just going to look silly lol

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’m very glad you replied to my comment because it gave me a chance to check out your blog! I like it very much!
        I don’t get to participate in the comments sections as much as I would like due to the limitations of TTS for the blind. It seems to be a compatibility issue with all of the different themes bloggers use.
        Thanks again!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. It is about the balance, and not beating yourself up – posts come when they do. Life has changed for you since you started blogging; it’s harder to find the time, never mind the energy. I’ve made myself accept that I will never be a post-a-day kind of girl; or even once a week; but sometimes there will be little flurries of two in one week – then nothing! I think about giving up too. I stay because I like the far away people such as yourself being a little closer. I don’t do Facebook or Twitter or any other social media malarkey. The thing about this blogging lark is that it takes you a little deeper under the skin; I stay for that too. Hang on in there. Come along when you can :-)

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  4. I won’t hit the “like” button on this one. You can’t quit–I just got here! Yes, you should never tell people you know in real life you have a blog. That’s a top rule of blogging. Now, tell them all you got tired of it and quit, or set up a new one at a new address and export this one to it. Simpler still, take a break; however long you want. Your “real” followers will be here when you return. I could fit all of mine in my living room and serve them tea! I would enjoy that.

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    • Hindsight as they say is a wonderful thing. I did think of upping sticks and moving or perhaps finding another space, but then I would lose out on what I have already built here and I would hate to lose any of the amazing people I have found, yourself included :)

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  5. Maybe it’s time you had a break Jules. Take the stress and pressure off blogging for a while and concentrate on sorting out the real life stuff so that when you return you’ll be a happy bunny eejit :D <3

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  6. To my mind, balance is always good. And you’re almost certainly growing as a person. I enjoy keeping a blog if for no other reason than to have an easy way to keep track of the progress of my growth. If you feel it’s time to quit, then do it. But I’d miss you something awful.

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  7. Every writer I know has said this problem at one time or another. I have the same problem. In fact my first post touched on what to write…if anything. Jul’s, as I said before, just write what you want when you want. A blog is nothing more than an outlet and those that follow you will wait. You’ve already solved the problem of stats…because it’s no longer a problem for you—gee I wished I’d matured that much, but I’ll get there. Just write what pops into your head and play around with it as you put it down. I think amazing things will show up on your blog then. :O)

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    • Let’s hope so re the amazing things lol there is a first for everything ;)

      I touched on the stats issue up above, or was it down below, I dunno which way these comments go. Regardless of how many people my side bar says follow by blog I still only have 30 – 35 who interact and do you know what, they are so amazing that’s all that matters :)
      Goodness, if I’m this kooky now imagine what I would be like if I was famous. In the words of my friend, I would have to hide under the table with a bar of chocolate lol

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  8. To my way of thinking we both need all the pleasant social interaction we can get – real world or online, so no way should you be giving it up. I’ve hit a slump right now too after a flurry of posting. It’s enough for me to read others’ posts until I’m re-inspired. Even if the muse is absent, Juls, do the reading just to remind yourself that there are other situations out there – better ones and some even worse – and to remind yourself that there is life outside of the constant drain you’re under. (besides, I need you on here!)

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    • I hear you, I said to Mental M the other day that there would be too many people I would miss. I think we’re lucky that the people we have around us are understanding of our circumstances. Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere just yet, and I hope you don’t either :)

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I can totally relate to what you’ve written here. My blogging has ebbed and flowed depending on what real life had to dish out to me. I’ve kept my blogging so secretive that not even my wife knows. I knew once I started, for my own selfish reasons at the time, I wanted to keep things as raw as possible without worrying someone I knew would have a problem. I am now at the point where, after so many years of occasional blogging, that I now need the community to offer their advice, comments, support, or whatever. My stats are low, only 3 followers last time I checked. I’m not unhappy with that, I don’t blog for others, I blog for me. It’s my one outlet to truly express my thoughts from the inside.

    My life recently has literally disintegrated, I’ve been lost the last few weeks. Writing when I wanted, or needed, to has been a savior in technological surprise. I came to your blog from Monster In Your Closet (following her for 4 years) and started following myself. I’m looking forward to reading back to some of your other entries as I too, am trying to seek a balance.

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    • Hey, thank you for stopping by and for taking the time to comment. I think you made the right choice with keeping your blog a secret, at least you can blog to your hears content without recrimination (hopefully) lol
      I used to watch my stats avidly, as time passed I realised how little it really mattered. I’d hate to be too popular, I wonder how on earth people ever get the time to answer all those comments. Sure my side bar says I have over 900 followers, but in reality there is a core of about 30 – 35 people who interact and they are the ones who matter. Followers will come, it does take time and it also takes a little social networking, let’s face it, if you hadn’t stopped by to say hello we would never have met :) And now you have 4 followers :)

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      • Thanks for following :-) I find that I tend to follow, and participate, on blogs that both share and contrast my tone of writing. I’m all over the place basically! I see something interesting, form an opinion then write about it. The time I devote to sitting down and letting my fingers do the talking has been increasing as I now feel the benefits.

        I hear you on the “too popular” worry. I’ve been following a blog in introversion for a few months now and I swear the author is an android! LOL She’s replying to everything usually within minutes of it being posted. I get tired just thinking about the effort involved!

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      • I know, people always ask me why I have my comments set to moderation, the reason is because if I didn’t, I would never be able to keep up. At least that way I have to physically go in and answer them all and while I might be late, I hopefully never miss any :)

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  10. There is something about this “blogging” that makes us (me, anyway) feel like we are running a TV network and need to maintain or boost our ratings. It sometimes feels like I am passing a TV studio camera when I see a glowing PC screen. There’s an audience out there. And, it’s not so much that I want to reach THEM because I don’t know who they are or how many there are. But, I want to reach SOMEONE, someone that will respond to me the way I need. And, that’s what this all boils down to, I think, a need, something all these writers are missing. A personal (non-professional/non-profit) blog is, in a way, a cry for help/companionship.

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    • I don’t care about my ratings anymore. I have to say I did at the start and of course likes etc are a boost, but these days I really value the interaction from people who seem to be there no matter when I post, that has meant and still means so much more. You’re probably right a lot of people probably do blog for companionship, I certainly enjoy the company. I’m not so sure about the cry for help, most folks I know seem to have their heads well screwed on :)

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      • I don’t really care (much) either. There may be some residual interest as this machine continues to pulsate such influences at ya. But, I don’t even care about awards/award shows, anymore. So, when people get emotional about an Emmy or Oscar, I just roll my eyes, wondering what evil contract they signed just to get a cookie.

        Yes, interaction is vitally important.

        I didn’t mean it as a suicide hotline, but, in a way, it is one (suicide prevention) for some.

        As for heads on straight, I wouldn’t be too sure about that.

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