Look inside!

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There have been a lot of posts lately in relation to body size and shape and peoples perception of them. It got me thinking, so to stop my brain hurting I am going to have to write about it. 

No two people are the same, even if the old myth is correct and somewhere out there we have a doppelganger, it’s  unlikely they will be an exact replica. We are unique in all aspects of everything we are and do.

I am not ashamed to stand up and say I am self conscious, I have always been that way. I feel awkward in social situations where I do not know people, although if you saw me you would not think this the case.

For years I struggled with weight, my ‘puppy fat’ never disappeared, much to my Mothers disappointment. Clothes shopping was a nightmare and she regularly made her feelings known. I was weighed on a Saturday morning, sometimes skipping meals to ensure I had at least lost something. It was all done with the best intentions, but it had a detrimental effect.

Eventually I did lose weight, and for a reason that everyone told me was the wrong one. I split from the guy I was seeing and in an effort to show him what he was missing, I dropped around 3 stone. I don’t think he noticed, but I certainly felt healthier.

The strangest thing was though, that I didn’t really feel any better about myself. I suppose in my head I thought that weight loss was the key to an instant self confidence boost, it wasn’t. I was exactly the same person, only clad in smaller clothes.

Over the years I would find myself in situations where looks mattered, and my face didn’t fit. It hurts, in fact it hurts like hell, but you pick yourself up and you carry on. Despite the fact that people tell you ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ your brain screams, of course it’s you, are you stupid!

I would like to think that I am a good person, of course I am prone to bad days and bitchy days, but isn’t everyone. I hope that I have enough personality to get me through, making people laugh is a good diversionary tactic that genuinely gives me pleasure.  Yet still I second guess myself and everything I do. I feel that nothing is ever good enough, I find praise hard to take and failure even harder. In essence, I am my own worst enemy.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that I do not see myself as others do. I remember having a conversation once with a young girl of about 18, who was discussing her own issues with self consciousness.  I remember feeling incredulous at the time, she was tall, thin and drop dead gorgeous, and I was thinking what right does she have to feel that way, look at me. As I aged, I realised that it can affect anyone, because it is not about how others view us, it’s about how we view ourselves.

I have a friend on here and every day I want to tell her that she is perfect just as she is, but that’s a little hypocritical of me, considering I do not practice what I preach.

As I commented this morning, I know I have to change the shape of my body, but I also have to change my own perception of myself, because if I don’t, regardless of how much I weigh, I will always feel the same.

You do hope that people will see past the exterior and look on the inside, but the truth of the matter is, if you cannot love yourself, how will you ever let anyone else. Perhaps just once a day I should close my eyes and see myself as others do, accept compliments gracefully regardless of how uncomfortable I feel and start the process of change, because there is no one else on this earth that can do it for me. :)

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S – Even though you cannot see it, you are amazing and perfect just as you. You’re funny, witty, sassy and above all one of the most kind hearted people I know. Accept this compliment, and repeat it to yourself at least once a day!

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35 thoughts on “Look inside!

  1. “so to stop my brain hurting I am going to have to write about it.”
    That might be the new motto for my blog.
    Seriously, great post. It’s always a “do as I say, not as I do” thing when it comes to something as personal as appearance and self-esteem. Just got to keep fighting the urge to fight ourselves (OK, that sounded profound in my head, but you know what I mean…I hope).
    ((hugs))

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  2. That’s definitely not how a mother should behave with her child on this issue… But I’m glad to see you are aware of what is good and what not.
    Crossing out all insecurities is impossible, but it’s good to at least realize it’s not everything.

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    • Like I said, it was done with the best intentions. She didn’t want me to go through the same things she did. And you’re right, we will never be able to cross out everything, but neither should we want to, it makes us human :)

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  3. I have always been very self conscious. My thoughts to myself go something like this, you have a forehead the size of a billboard, you have a nose like gonzo, not only are you flat chested but now you are saggy and flat chested, ( if tou wanna know what that looks like just drop a golf ball into a tube sock). But regardless of how much I age and sag, I know im still awesome. ;)

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  4. Great post! I had a period where I lost 30 pounds ( three kids later and gained that back and them some) but I remember everyone telling me how great I looked, and even though they said it, I still felt like it wasn’t enough, I was still too heavy. I guess we never stop being hard on ourselves but I would rather be around people who have a great personality than those who look good but don’t have anything else going for them ;)

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  5. Wonderful post! So far all I have seen is women commentin’ on your post. so I guess I’ll bet he first guy to do so. The self conscious/hate myself/I’m not good enough bug isn’t only for you ladies. Sure, I’m a guy and I don’t dwell on it in the same way y’all do but for me personally, it is a problem. Thank you for your words of wisdom, no wonder yer my favorite eejit :D

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  6. You’re right when you say that weight loss isn’t a panacea to happiness. It can give you a confidence boost in the short term as your older clothes start to fit you again but you reach a kind of plateau that leaves you wondering what went wrong.

    When you’re 18 you worry about your appearance and wonder if you’re too fat. Then at 28 you look back at the photos from 10 years ago and realise how nice you looked. Then at 38 you look back at the photos from 10 years ago and realise how nice you looked. Then at 48 you look back at…

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  7. Most everyone, even the “perfect ones” have self-conscious body issues. It’s a condition of the ego – and needing and seeking approval, acceptance and love – from the outside sources. Truthfully, all we need to do is start looking within —deeply within, not focusing on the externals. Heart and spirit and soul count far more than outward trappings, as you know — but I *know* you are one beautiful person.

    Yes, accept the compliment.

    The body is the vessel we have in this life with which we have the opportunity to make the most of our special gifts. We honor and cherish it for being the miracle it is – and take as much care as we can in order to allow us a full and rich life – but life is about living – and living is about being true and authentic. How we adorn and clothe ourselves are the icing and frosting on the cupcakes – but it’s the quality ingredients that count.

    Calories be damned!

    Love ya Juls!

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