In hindsight deciding to pole dance on New Years Eve was not one of my better ideas, neither was using a lamp post as a substitute for the pole. But the straw that broke the camels back was the fact I picked a traffic island slap bang in the middle of Shaftsbury Square as my stage.
It is true what they say, ‘when the drink’s in, the wit is out.’ I will be forever grateful to the policeman some kind member of the public sent to assist me, for sharing that little gem of wisdom, although I still think his use of handcuffs was unjustified. Was it my fault he walked into my handbag just as I was preparing to land.
By the time 1am came I had been separated from the other members of my party posse. Happily drunk, but not to the point where I had no clue about the where, what and whys, I experienced a rush of self satisfaction when I made it into the kebab shop and was able to successfully place an order. A large kebab on pitta, all the trimmings, no sauce. Had I realised at that time that about 15 minutes later I would be using most of it to accessorize my rather delightful outfit, I might have just ordered a chip instead. Thinking about it now, that may have been why the lamp post was so slippery.
It was at this point I saw my friend Onda Poole, one of the aforementioned posse. She was halfway up a dark alley and looked to be in the midst of a struggle. Shouting her name I headed, I was going to say straight across the street, but it was more of a zig zag. Her hand moved in what I, at the time perceived to be a ‘come help me’ gesture, but the closer I got I realised it was meant to be more of a ‘feck off’ one. It seemed for my good friend there was more than kebab on the menu that night.
Never one to be outdone I spied the lamp post and seizing the opportunity to grab the attention of not only Onda and he with the wandering hands, but of everyone in the street, I started to climb. It seemed like such a good idea at the time and was certainly a crowd pleaser as everyone was laughing at with me. A few even started to clap their hands.
Egged on by the support I was receiving I inched my way further up the post. It was bloody freezing and I remember thinking to myself how glad I was to have worn the granny pants I had received from my Mammy at Christmas.It’s not easy trying to scale something the same size as Mount Everest whilst keeping your dignity in check. Apparently I failed as there was a roar of laughter from the crowd right after I heard some wee hood shout ‘Nice knickers!.’
It was at this point that things started to unravel, quite literally. As I turned to give the body attached to the voice a two fingered salute, I started, against my will might I add, to slide down the post. Unfortunately my woolie Christmas jumper decided to remain attached and snagged onto a huge (honestly it was) hook that I had thankfully avoided on both my ascent and now rapid descent.
It was also around this time I spotted the approaching policeman and in an attempt to distract Onda from her game of tonsil tennis and gain some much needed help I started to frantically wave my arms. I now understand why blokes call us ‘birds’, because I looked just like a mental seagull, flapping and squawking atop a lamp post.
Of course I tipped backwards and of course I was still turning at the time and of course my handbag was in my hand and in full flight when that silly policeman decided to walk into it. Now at the bottom, someone from the crowd helped me to my feet whilst copping a cheeky feel of my ample backside and there I stood, red faced and in a half top that made me look like a reject from that band Pepsi and Max, no wait that’s a drink, Pepsi and Shirlie.
A heated debate followed,with the attending Constable, as I tried to blame everyone, including the kitchen sink for the events of the evening. Even Onda, whose lips looked like they had gone 3 rounds with a plunger, came over to offer what I thought was going to be assistance. Instead she bid me a fond farewell, muttering that I had really done it this time.
The rest of the evening is a bit of a blur, I think I fell asleep as soon as they put me in my cell, but I did get a ride in a police car! :)