Remember Me!

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I sort of feel like I need to provide an explanation with regards to my absence, when in reality I probably don’t. Even I was caught a little off guard this time when WordPress informed me it had been 23 days since my last post. I’d love to tell you I have been having a whale of a time, but why sugar coat it, things have been pretty shit to be honest, there is just no any other way to say it.

This whole Dementia thing is proving really stressful. We’ve had the worst month ever due to tantrums, constant crying, hospital visits, in fact you name it and we’ve probably dealt with it.

It’s becoming apparent that 9 out of 10 times I am the only person on the Motherships radar meaning she will essentially ignore everyone else and come to me for assistance. It’s like having a shadow and it’s exhausting. She leaves me with virtually no free time at all until I eventually put her to bed. I wanted to write last night but I was so tired I was unable to string a sentence together.

So that’s where I have been, every night I come home from work and step into the cocoon of caring that is so intense it almost makes you forget there is a world outside. Returning to work on a Monday after a weekend spent here feels like I’ve been away for a month, not two days and I am less than rested. As much as I dread work sometimes, I am glad of the escape.

Things are happening though, there is talk of Carers coming in to assist and a mild tablet that will hopefully bring calm, but we are doubtful it will make any difference and we certainly cannot tell the Mothership for fear of a reaction of explosive proportions. We will just have to wait and see. My Sister has been down every weekend which has been great and taken the pressure off.

But still, I am living on my nerves, and they are frazzled!

Apart from that there is nothing, not a fecking thing can I tell you that will in anyway entertain or amuse you. I just wanted to update you.

I read when I can and comment when I can, but less than perfect WiFi on my train journeys is a bit of a hindrance. Just know I am still alive and well and usually around somewhere :)

Time waits for no one

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Tonight he really was dressed to impress. His hat, freshly brushed sat atop his salt and pepper hair, his shirt and jacket had been neatly pressed and his beard had been trimmed and splashed with some cologne. He was looking mighty fine even if he did say so himself.

He had lived for what felt like forever and had long ago given up on the desire to impress, tonight however was different, he could feel it in his bones, something was going to happen, hence the reason for his natty attire.

He had seen a lot of things over his lifetime and not all of them good. Now though, there were big changes, the world was not what it once was and he was tired, weary from all the hatred.

He fished inside his jacket pocket and pulled out the pocket watch that had been with from the start of his journey.

Turning it around he stared in disbelief when he realise it was no longer ticking. Thinking to himself this wasn’t good, all he could manage to say was ‘Oh feck’, before he crumbled into a million pieces on the floor.

That was the end of Old Father Time.

 


Written for It’s all in finding the Right Worlds – Flash fiction for the purposeful practitioner


 

Making referrals

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When I am absent from the blog for a while I feel like a stranger when I come back, despite the fact it is my own space.

I’ve found it really hard to write this last couple of weeks, the ideas keep coming, but I just never seem to get time  to sit down, or when I do something else has happened and I am no longer in the mood. A war of words with the Mothership will do that to you.

A few weeks ago I finally made the decision to have myself referred for counselling, although my boss had also decided that if I didn’t they would anyway. So far I have had two assessments in quick succession, and I’ll now have to wait to find out which kind of counsellor I am being referred to, that could take 12 weeks, but at least I am in the system.

I need to do this. In the first session I cried for the whole 45 minutes and even though I am usually uncomfortable talking about myself, I tried to be as honest as I could. At the second assessment the lady really gave me something to think about, she asked about experiences I had been through. I though I was pretty unremarkable, but when I answered the questions I was able to say I had seen someone die, had a friend murdered and witnessed someone attempting to commit suicide. She wrote frantically at that point, even though I said I didn’t think any of those events had shaped my life, but how do I know.

At the end of the session I asked her if I was just wasting everyone’s time being there, because in my head I didn’t feel that what I am going through warranted their time, but she assured me it did, and told me I had done the right thing. She was also able to tell from the way I answered the questions that I lack confidence, which lifted a weight off my shoulders, because that is one of the things I would like to address.

Although I am scared about what is to come because several people have told me this will not be an easy process, I feel better that I have finally been brave enough to try. It certainly can’t make things any worse.

You will however be glad to know that she was full of approval with regards to the fact that I write a blog. I was particularly glowing in my description of you all, saying how beneficial I found it, and it was nice that she got it and understood, because not everyone does. She says I need to keep writing because it’s a good way to get things out in the open as opposed to bottling them up. How I do that I don’t know, because I am not sure here is the place for that. I think perhaps that as I start to change so will the blog and perhaps that is no bad things as long as I can keep an element of humour running though it. I told her I miss my funny and want to find it again.

So my hope is that I will be a little more regular here, but then again I always say that and it never happens, so for now I won’t be making any Mid Year Resolutions, I’m just going to see how it goes.

Missed you all :)

Codding about….

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He’d been wandering around the confines of this shop for ages, yet still he was no further on. Not the best at making decisions, the £5 note was burning a hole in Alfie’s pocket.

There was plenty of choice and variety, yet so far nothing had caught his eye, the programs on television made it seem much easier than this.

A tad frustrated he headed towards the back of the shop where he had spied a cabinet advertising all items for £3. Sure enough, on the second shelf he spotted what looked like a mechanical fish, which had clearly seen better days. Lifting a magnifying glass from the same shelf, he studied its bulging eyes, which seemed to contain some kind of weird code.

Loving a puzzle he headed to the front of the store, ‘How much for the fish with chips?’ he asked the antiques seller, laughing at his own joke.


Written for this weeks Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers

Sunshine and Scotland!

The turning up late thing is becoming a bit of a thing for me isn’t it, but I suppose the crucial point is I still make it…eventually.

This time round after much deliberation I have decided to blame the heat, I have no idea why, I just am, ask me something and I will tell you I was not able to do it because I was too hot. Couldn’t type a post…too hot. Couldn’t get my brain to work…too hot. Couldn’t think of anything to say….too hot. There was however one night with a cool breeze where I had the potential to be productive only it was 3am and there was thunder and lightening outside so I was too scared to use any electrical appliances, actually truth be told I was too scared to come out from under my duvet. Yeah, you guess right, I am not a fan.

Somewhere in the last couple of weeks I passed another birthday milestone but I’m too old to care about those any more, so lets move on. I also went on a day trip to Glasgow, that was something different right!? You’re impressed aren’t you, I can tell from the look on your gorgeous little face. I was quite impressed too I have to say, go me!

It’s been a long time since I was on a boat, it’s not changed all that much to be honest other than the fact they are a lot more passenger friendly than they used to be. After we had crossed the sea to the other land we caught a bus to take us onward. I sat with my earphones in listening to my music and enjoying the scenery as we went on our merry way, until we came upon some roadworks, where we got stuck for an hour reducing our time in Glasgow from 4 hours to just over 3. It’s amazing how quickly time can pass when there is so much to see and do, by the time we had a wander about, tried to find somewhere to eat and eventually succeeded in the shape of a Hard Rock Cafe, our time was pretty much up and we legged it back to catch the bus. Headphones in again, music on, only this time I took some pictures as the countryside was just gorgeous bathed in the evening sunshine.

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Not fantastic quality I know, but they were taken with an App on a  mobile phone through a window held by a tired hand on a shaky bus…so give me a break ffs!

It wasn’t the fanciest of day trips, but for me, it was something different. If I went again, I would love to do the open top bus tour, then perhaps I could really see the size of the city rather than just be a little overwhelmed by it. The problem with those kind of tours is, they are a long day, I was up from around 5am in the morning and wasn’t home till almost 11pm where I had to get the Mothership ready for bed. I think I am only now starting to recover. I really want to go again, but don’t think anyone else is to keen, ah well!

Other tiny updates:

Currently Listening to – Fleet Foxes – White Winter Hymnal.

Currently Watching – Orphan Black – amazing show totally addicted.

Currently contemplating – going to bed

 

SSDD but that’s life!

Yet again it’s hard to believe it’s been almost three weeks since I sat down to write. As usual, it’s not because I didn’t want to,  I think about writing all the time, it just never happens.

Last week I had this crazy idea that I was going to carry my lap top to work with me, take a half day  and spend the afternoon somewhere in the city with a cup of coffee while leeching free WiFi off the person who provided it, blogging away to my hearts content about all that was going on around me. It never happened, there are usually conflicting interests these days, something always needs done that is slightly more important than anything else.

I’ve been struggling lately, home life has been.. I dunno actually, how do I describe it, well lets just say things are not getting any better. There is just no escape from it, hence the reason behind my wish for an impromptu afternoon. Every day I lose a little bit more of my free time, I’ll only have just sat down  before the Mothership comes a knocking, which makes me want to knock my head repeatedly against a wall. The worst bit is that lately she has been more vocal, so when she’s shouting at me that I do nothing for her while sucking up my free time, well you get the drift right, there is only so much counting to ten a sane person can do. It’s exhausting.

Work has been hectic, relentless sometimes, but yesterday was the first time I’ve worked a weekend in a while and even then I only worked for half a day. I don’t want to be in the position where I have too much time again.

I need to stop getting so stressed out about simple things, I feel like such a second rate citizen sometimes, like I am lagging behind, even though everyone tells me that is not the case. Lack of sleep honestly has a lot to answer for, it makes everything seem worse than it actually is. Last night I was so tired I got into bed at 8.30pm and set my alarm for 30 mins just so I could have a nap to tide me over till the Mothership came up for the bedtime routine. At one point in the midst of all the shouting when she finally did come up, I was begging her just to go to bed because I was so tired. By the time I eventually got everything sorted I was wide awake again, go figure. Yet without fail I’ll be woken at 7am the next morning with her screaming because shock feckin horror the Fathership is trying to wash her hands.

There have however been little glimmers of the good stuff in the middle of the mire. I’ve got Spotify premium, well I have it for 3 months anyway owing to the fact that it was on offer at 99p! I know fine well that I am going to be gutted when the trial runs out, but I’m not sure I can justify spending £9.99 a month. So if you have any chilled out music you think I might like then please let me know, I am always looking for additions to my Songs for Writing playlist.

I also had to get a new mobile phone which meant going back onto a contract. Mine was working not too bad, the only problem was it had completely run out of internal memory, even with all the non essential apps removed. So far so good the new one is much better, and ladies believe me, that extra half inch makes all the difference…..screen size ya dirty buggers! I do however miss my little notification light, there is no more blinking when someone from the outside world tries to contact me, instead I have to touch the phone but hey ho, I’ll get used to it.

It’s good  to be back, I’ve missed you guys :)

~

*SSDD – same shit, different day :)

Keeping you in the loop!

 

It looks like there will be no more breaking wind! Well not with the right hair colour anyway, it would seem that Bitstrips on Facebook is no more.

I am devastated, I loved using their little cartoons to brighten up my blog. You’ll have to bear with me until I get used to the newer version which is only available on the phone, Breaking news is most likely to become ‘Guess What’

I perhaps do not look as deathly pale in the newer one as I did in the old, although I still look a bit gormless which is good.

Gormless (British Informal) – Lacking sense or initiative; foolish

Kinda fits right!?

So what’s been happening I hear you ask, well actually quite a lot and then again not a lot at the same time. It’s been busy, but my days have been filled with work and then all the other crap at home, there has been little time for either blogging or merry making.

This past weekend was a tough one emotionally, two mornings in a row I was woken up before even the birds had given their first chirp with Mothership issues. We got them sorted, but being yanked out of sleep like that has a knock on effect for the whole day. I tend to regress into myself when things like that happen, a side effect of the anxiety perhaps. No matter how calmly or cleverly we deal with the situation, there is always guilt that comes knocking at the wonky top box, even after everything has calmed down.

I was thinking a lot about my blog over the weekend too, seems to be that thinking is all I do at the minute because I am getting very little time to write. I’m not sure how I keep writing for what I effectively want to be known as a ‘Humour’ blog when all I actually want to do most nights is either bang my head repeatedly against a wall or hide under the duvet. So if things seem a little up and down at the minute it’s because I am currently teetering in the middle of a see-saw trying to find the correct balance between everything and trying not to lose either myself or my sense of humour in the process. It’s not feckin easy sometimes.

For those of you who are wondering, the tooth removal went ok thank you very much, despite the fact it took three injections before there was any numbness. I like my Dentist, she seemed to just go with the flow as I sat in the chair and rambled on…and on….and on. Scale and polish done and dusted and it was time for the grand finale. Through half closed eyes I saw her advance towards me with a pair of what looked suspiciously like BBQ tongs, at that point I shut my eyes completely. After a bit of hauling and twisting she tells her assistant she will need a bigger pair and I’m thinking I need a bigger pair too…of pants, cos I’m a fart away from filling the ones I am wearing, I’m that scared.

A few more hauls, yanks and twists and turns and out comes the tooth. I was a little disappointed there was no audible pop, just a ripping noise….*shudders* I asked the assistant if I could take the tooth home, she looked a little curious as to why I might want to do this, so I told her I was going to smash it with a hammer. Seemed kinda therapeutic to me considering that it was anxiety that caused me to lose the tooth in the fist place. In the end I didn’t do anything other than toss it in the trash. I’ve a huge hole…oo er mrs!!

I’m sure I probably had more to tell you, but to be honest I’ve run out of steam and it’s time to go and feed the Ships.

Hope everything is fine and dandy with the rest of you. Be sure to let me know about any REALLY exciting things in the comments.

Till next time eejits!

 

Listening…

For me, music is a little like blogging, I forget how much I miss it until I start to participate again.

I don’t have a soundtrack for my life, just a selection of random tunes, some of which have meaning and others which don’t.

I adore the feelings that music can invoke, and the fact that technology has moved on sufficiently enough that we can carry a whole library in our pockets, something for every minute of every day should we desire.

I’ve been listening to my various play lists in Spotify on the journeys home. I find myself getting lost in the music, for a short time imagining I am somewhere else. Easing myself over the bridge between work and home.

This morning I didn’t notice the crowds around me as I completed my usual train change, only the sunshine and the warmth upon my face as I was serenaded every step I took.

The problem is the moment I hit work or home the music stops and there is only silence, which can sometimes be deafening.

I wish that there could be music all the time, automatically selected to suit either your mood or the situation you find yourself in. Now that would be an awesome playlist.

For now I’ll just keep listening and tapping out my post, enjoying the calm before the storm.

~

This post also applies to the Daily Prompt – Music

It’s going to be one of those days…

 

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No matter how tired I am this weather I can never seem to get enough sleep. Granted, part of that is my own fault, I’m a bit of a night owl, but when I have the opportunity to sleep a little longer in the mornings it never happens and it’s extremely frustrating!

So here I sit with a banging headache, the next door neighbours dog is having a noisy showdown with the cockerel, as in one is chasing the shadows of birds and the other is trying to call for them. There is housework to be done and people to be fed and I just can’t be arsed doing any of it, no point in sugar coating how I feel, lack of sleep clearly makes me a cow.

I’ve missed not writing and reading blogs, but there has just been no time. It’s something I am going to have to rectify, because honestly, sometimes in the middle of everything that goes on I think it is the only thing that keeps me sane.

This last couple of weeks have been challenging, and it’s a stark reminder that things are going to get worse instead of better. Don’t get me wrong, the Fathership and I face each situation we come across, usually successfully, but it’s mentally and physically draining sometimes. It would be nice to think that in the midst of everything life would stop and give you a break when the shit hits the fan, but it doesn’t, so you have to deal with all these things whilst dealing with life too, which can be complicated enough on its own sometimes.

I’m sick of trying to explain to people what it’s like, or make excuses for the way I live my life or do things the way I do. I appreciate that most people mean well when they say, you just have to get up and do it (when referring to going out), but real life just doesn’t work that way and perhaps if they walked a couple of weeks in my shoes they would realise that. I mean would you get up and leave a two year old child and go to dinner without putting any preparation in place, because that’s what dealing with someone with dementia is like. Any deviations from the normal routine or changes to schedules can have disastrous effects and invoke meltdowns of epic proportions. Sometimes you have to weigh up the pros and cons and ask yourself is it worth having one night of fun to endure 6 nights of torture. When you’re already at the end of your rope and trying to hang on, then answer to that is no.

I’ve wanted to write so many times over these past couple of weeks, but on the rare chances I had to sit down I had nothing to say, because all of this was rattling around in my wonky top box and I couldn’t figure out if here was the platform for it, this is after all meant to be a humour blog. Although I suppose I do try to put my usual slight comedic spin on things. Both the Fathership and I agree on one thing, if we didn’t laugh we’d cry.

I suppose in the end, the conclusion I came to was this, it’s my blog, I can write what I want, and it is definitely better writing about these things to get them off my chest rather than keeping them bottled up. I have however (if I can figure it out) turned off the comments on this post. I don’t want sympathy, that’s not why I write, there are people in the world dealing with much worse things. I just need to expel my ramblings into the ether.

Trust me, it’s good to talk – even if it is just to yourself!

Love you all :)

 

 

Why did I ever……….

….think it was a good idea to take a week off work! Seriously, WHY!

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While not this overjoyed at the prospect of a week away from my desk, I was a little excited all the same. I’d put in a lot of hours and they were all mounting up so I felt it was time, well that and I have to fit leave around everyone else’s schedules too.

I had plans, catch up on jobs I had to do for other people and also on things I needed to do around the blog. I factored time in for some writing also, perhaps some gaming and a little relaxation. Guess what? It’s already Thursday and very little of that has actually happened, in fact this is turning out to be the week from hell!

There have been tears, tantrums, toilet disasters (not mine thank you very much!) and basically a whole heap of running around doing things for other people. In fact Tuesday was pretty much the only day or normality where I got to visit friends and stroke a few things off the list.

I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps the Fathership had a clever plan in making appointments for this week, although I am sure he would deny it. Today however, just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, one of my teeth broke, I have to say my eyes leaked in despair, I was at the end of my tether!

I have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow, which I dread for two reasons, fear of the dentist and fear of the cost of the dentist. I will openly admit I am a big ginny ann with regards to all things dental. I did however know this day was coming, it was only a matter of time before my back tooth caved in, too many years of clenching due to anxiety. Why I couldn’t just have been like everyone else and used the butt cheeks instead, I’ll never know.

Tomorrow will be Friday, so along with the anxiety of having to attend the dentist, the fact that I have to return to work on Monday will also start to prey on my mind too, seriously wonky top box, give a girl a break would you!

If you have any going spare I would be grateful if you could send a few lucky vibes my way, I have a feeling I am going to need them!