Another effing update!

I’m thinking of changing the tag line on my blog, that’s if I even have one. It’s going to say ‘The blog of Updates’ because of late that is pretty much all I have managed. I want to change that, that said, what I want and what I do are usually very different things.

Thanks to everyone who has enquired about my Mum, it’s been a very weird time. Two weeks ago give or take a few days, she got sectioned, primarily we think because of her refusal to eat and drink. She’s now in a dedicated Dementia ward where they are trying to work through her issues and use medication to try and give her some sort of peace. She is not being compliant and is starting to kick off with them they way she did in the house and basically not eating or drinking very much at all. It’s really hard to watch and emotionally I have to be honest and say I am finding it very difficult. There are endless processes and procedures to be followed and a steady supply of forms that need completed and all I want to do is crawl into bed and not surface again until everything has been sorted out.

I’m very lucky that work have been understanding and I am hoping that my first session of counselling comes through soon because I feel I really need it. My anxiety has been really bad and despite using some of the techniques I have had success with before, it is not easing any. I need someone else to pick me apart and then tell my how to rebuild myself, installing coping mechanisms as I go.

I know the Fathership has been finding all of this hard too. I worry about him and I have no doubt he worries about me and my Sister. All three of us worry about the Mothership. There have been tears, very many tears, usually mine it has to be said.

I think going forward I probably might not write about this any more, not here anyway. I need a distraction and something else to focus on. I used to say that time was my enemy and when the Mothership was here that was certainly the case as there was not enough of it. Now however, even though I still need to cook and clean and do all the things I did before, I do have more time and yet still I have not been able to write, so perhaps the problem was me all along. I’m like a fence, I need to get over myself.

The intention would be to write more, I just have no idea what it is I am going to write about, but then again do I ever. Waffling seems to be one of my better traits.

I hope you have all been well, feel free to let me know what’s been happening! :)

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Chillin With The Eejit

My guest post for Talk About Pop Music, hopefully the first of many :)

Talk About Pop Music


Just Chilling With My Spotify

It’s fair to say that since I was first introduced to Spotify that it has opened doors into musical worlds through which I never believed I would actually venture.

All my life I have had a very varied taste in music, but despite what I introduce to my ears I always revert back to chill out, it is by far and away my most favoured genre, if you can even class it as one.

Music has been the only constant in my life, other things have come and gone, but the music has always remained, a soundtrack to my life that has played in the background through some of the best and worst times in my life. When you’re younger it’s all broken hearts and jilted love, as you hold onto mementoes, the song of choice playing on repeat. As you get older, significant events…

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Keep Breathing…

I’ll start this post tonight, but it is unlikely I will finish. It’s 23.16 and I really should be in bed, but as usual I am not. I’m tried, emotional exhaustion as opposed to physical exhaustion, although it’s there too.

I’m listening, and I can’t hear anything and it’s a blessing, it means all is peaceful, something that in this household has been severely lacking of late. There is no shouting, crying, cursing or stamping of feet. The Mothership is in respite and I can breathe.

A few weeks back a routine glucose check promoted an urgent trip to the hospital, where it was discovered that she has iron deficiency anaemia. They don’t know the reason and because of her level of understanding are not sure they can complete the necessary examinations. 9 hours we waited while she was topped up with both blood and iron. We hoped that perhaps that had been the reason for the decline in mood, but we were wrong and things steadily got worse.

The Fathership contacted her social worker and when she eventually returned his call a visit was arranged. They discussed carers, incontinence clinics, day care centres and medications. There was no discussion about what you do when you feel you’re at the end of your rope and have no strength left to tie a knot and hang on.

We persevered for another couple of weeks, but there was no improvement and neither of us could remember the last time there had actually been a good day. Her new favourite word became no, which she said a lot when we were trying to get her to eat and drink, a vital part of staying alive.

I’ve cried so much this last 2 – 3 months, because there really is nothing else to do when you feel there is no where else to turn. You look at the person before you and in your head you check off all the tactics that you have tried to stop the shouting and crying, and when you realise that you’ve actually reached the end of your list you think how, how the fuck am I going to deal with this person.

In sheer desperation the Fathership contacted her Doctor and outlined everything that had been going on, the lack of eating and drinking and the increase in the aggression and she took the decision to have her placed into respite for a couple of weeks in order that she could be assessed to see if perhaps there were any other underlying reasons for the decline.

I cannot explain the weight that has been lifted off our shoulders even if it is for a short time. How delighted I was to be able to sit down and watch the TV or sleep all through the night, something that I had not been able to do in the last 2 months.

It’s not been the stress free week that I hoped however, one set of worries just becomes replaced by new ones, like how is she getting on, will she kick off with the staff, will she fret for home and also, will she hate us for placing her in there in the first place. There are still things to be done, certainly a lot around the house and lets face it the cooking and cleaning never stops. I badly need to catch up on sleep, because the world is a scary place when you are suffering from a lack of it.

She’s been in for almost a week and I have not yet been to see her. I’m not sure people understand my reasoning, but in order for me to make the most of this time I have been given I need to try and distance myself, because if I go to visit and she is either upset or accusatory then it is going to take away any of the benefit that this period of peace should have.

Others have reported that she is doing well. albeit she will not eat and drink more than the minimum for the nurses either. She seems to like the company and to be honest that was a fear of mine for the last few weeks, that she was lacking the interaction with people other than myself and the Fathership.

We have big decisions to make, but I think we all know that the time is coming when we will have to choose where the best place for her to be is. We can’t seem to make her happy any more and if she needs that connection with others then perhaps she needs to be where that can be provided.

I’m trying to take one day at a time, but already thoughts of her return home are crowding my head, because when you have had that little bit of freedom and realise what life can be like, you realise it’s going to be very hard to return to how things were.

One day at a time eejit, one day at a time. Keep breathing.

(As predicted, this post took me 4 days to complete)

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The Music Bubble

Steve has created a playlist of my Music Bubble page for those who have Spotify! Have a listen :)

Talk About Pop Music

Music Bubble

The Music Bubble*

Do you know the feeling when you put your favourite music on and you feel like you are in your own little world – in your “music bubble”?

Juls and her music buddies have created their own version of this and it’s now on Spotify. With similar tastes, sharing new and old music while discussing the songs at the same time – why wouldn’t this be awesome?

Listen, follow and enjoy the playlist below and look out for all future bubble updates on this site.

You can follow Juls on Spotify or check out her blog while listening to these fab songs!

*please do not confuse Music Bubble with Michael Buble

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Remember Me!


I sort of feel like I need to provide an explanation with regards to my absence, when in reality I probably don’t. Even I was caught a little off guard this time when WordPress informed me it had been 23 days since my last post. I’d love to tell you I have been having a whale of a time, but why sugar coat it, things have been pretty shit to be honest, there is just no any other way to say it.

This whole Dementia thing is proving really stressful. We’ve had the worst month ever due to tantrums, constant crying, hospital visits, in fact you name it and we’ve probably dealt with it.

It’s becoming apparent that 9 out of 10 times I am the only person on the Motherships radar meaning she will essentially ignore everyone else and come to me for assistance. It’s like having a shadow and it’s exhausting. She leaves me with virtually no free time at all until I eventually put her to bed. I wanted to write last night but I was so tired I was unable to string a sentence together.

So that’s where I have been, every night I come home from work and step into the cocoon of caring that is so intense it almost makes you forget there is a world outside. Returning to work on a Monday after a weekend spent here feels like I’ve been away for a month, not two days and I am less than rested. As much as I dread work sometimes, I am glad of the escape.

Things are happening though, there is talk of Carers coming in to assist and a mild tablet that will hopefully bring calm, but we are doubtful it will make any difference and we certainly cannot tell the Mothership for fear of a reaction of explosive proportions. We will just have to wait and see. My Sister has been down every weekend which has been great and taken the pressure off.

But still, I am living on my nerves, and they are frazzled!

Apart from that there is nothing, not a fecking thing can I tell you that will in anyway entertain or amuse you. I just wanted to update you.

I read when I can and comment when I can, but less than perfect WiFi on my train journeys is a bit of a hindrance. Just know I am still alive and well and usually around somewhere :)

Time waits for no one


Tonight he really was dressed to impress. His hat, freshly brushed sat atop his salt and pepper hair, his shirt and jacket had been neatly pressed and his beard had been trimmed and splashed with some cologne. He was looking mighty fine even if he did say so himself.

He had lived for what felt like forever and had long ago given up on the desire to impress, tonight however was different, he could feel it in his bones, something was going to happen, hence the reason for his natty attire.

He had seen a lot of things over his lifetime and not all of them good. Now though, there were big changes, the world was not what it once was and he was tired, weary from all the hatred.

He fished inside his jacket pocket and pulled out the pocket watch that had been with from the start of his journey.

Turning it around he stared in disbelief when he realise it was no longer ticking. Thinking to himself this wasn’t good, all he could manage to say was ‘Oh feck’, before he crumbled into a million pieces on the floor.

That was the end of Old Father Time.


Written for It’s all in finding the Right Worlds – Flash fiction for the purposeful practitioner


Making referrals


When I am absent from the blog for a while I feel like a stranger when I come back, despite the fact it is my own space.

I’ve found it really hard to write this last couple of weeks, the ideas keep coming, but I just never seem to get time  to sit down, or when I do something else has happened and I am no longer in the mood. A war of words with the Mothership will do that to you.

A few weeks ago I finally made the decision to have myself referred for counselling, although my boss had also decided that if I didn’t they would anyway. So far I have had two assessments in quick succession, and I’ll now have to wait to find out which kind of counsellor I am being referred to, that could take 12 weeks, but at least I am in the system.

I need to do this. In the first session I cried for the whole 45 minutes and even though I am usually uncomfortable talking about myself, I tried to be as honest as I could. At the second assessment the lady really gave me something to think about, she asked about experiences I had been through. I though I was pretty unremarkable, but when I answered the questions I was able to say I had seen someone die, had a friend murdered and witnessed someone attempting to commit suicide. She wrote frantically at that point, even though I said I didn’t think any of those events had shaped my life, but how do I know.

At the end of the session I asked her if I was just wasting everyone’s time being there, because in my head I didn’t feel that what I am going through warranted their time, but she assured me it did, and told me I had done the right thing. She was also able to tell from the way I answered the questions that I lack confidence, which lifted a weight off my shoulders, because that is one of the things I would like to address.

Although I am scared about what is to come because several people have told me this will not be an easy process, I feel better that I have finally been brave enough to try. It certainly can’t make things any worse.

You will however be glad to know that she was full of approval with regards to the fact that I write a blog. I was particularly glowing in my description of you all, saying how beneficial I found it, and it was nice that she got it and understood, because not everyone does. She says I need to keep writing because it’s a good way to get things out in the open as opposed to bottling them up. How I do that I don’t know, because I am not sure here is the place for that. I think perhaps that as I start to change so will the blog and perhaps that is no bad things as long as I can keep an element of humour running though it. I told her I miss my funny and want to find it again.

So my hope is that I will be a little more regular here, but then again I always say that and it never happens, so for now I won’t be making any Mid Year Resolutions, I’m just going to see how it goes.

Missed you all :)

Codding about….


He’d been wandering around the confines of this shop for ages, yet still he was no further on. Not the best at making decisions, the £5 note was burning a hole in Alfie’s pocket.

There was plenty of choice and variety, yet so far nothing had caught his eye, the programs on television made it seem much easier than this.

A tad frustrated he headed towards the back of the shop where he had spied a cabinet advertising all items for £3. Sure enough, on the second shelf he spotted what looked like a mechanical fish, which had clearly seen better days. Lifting a magnifying glass from the same shelf, he studied its bulging eyes, which seemed to contain some kind of weird code.

Loving a puzzle he headed to the front of the store, ‘How much for the fish with chips?’ he asked the antiques seller, laughing at his own joke.

Written for this weeks Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers

Sunshine and Scotland!

The turning up late thing is becoming a bit of a thing for me isn’t it, but I suppose the crucial point is I still make it…eventually.

This time round after much deliberation I have decided to blame the heat, I have no idea why, I just am, ask me something and I will tell you I was not able to do it because I was too hot. Couldn’t type a post…too hot. Couldn’t get my brain to work…too hot. Couldn’t think of anything to say….too hot. There was however one night with a cool breeze where I had the potential to be productive only it was 3am and there was thunder and lightening outside so I was too scared to use any electrical appliances, actually truth be told I was too scared to come out from under my duvet. Yeah, you guess right, I am not a fan.

Somewhere in the last couple of weeks I passed another birthday milestone but I’m too old to care about those any more, so lets move on. I also went on a day trip to Glasgow, that was something different right!? You’re impressed aren’t you, I can tell from the look on your gorgeous little face. I was quite impressed too I have to say, go me!

It’s been a long time since I was on a boat, it’s not changed all that much to be honest other than the fact they are a lot more passenger friendly than they used to be. After we had crossed the sea to the other land we caught a bus to take us onward. I sat with my earphones in listening to my music and enjoying the scenery as we went on our merry way, until we came upon some roadworks, where we got stuck for an hour reducing our time in Glasgow from 4 hours to just over 3. It’s amazing how quickly time can pass when there is so much to see and do, by the time we had a wander about, tried to find somewhere to eat and eventually succeeded in the shape of a Hard Rock Cafe, our time was pretty much up and we legged it back to catch the bus. Headphones in again, music on, only this time I took some pictures as the countryside was just gorgeous bathed in the evening sunshine.

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Not fantastic quality I know, but they were taken with an App on a  mobile phone through a window held by a tired hand on a shaky bus…so give me a break ffs!

It wasn’t the fanciest of day trips, but for me, it was something different. If I went again, I would love to do the open top bus tour, then perhaps I could really see the size of the city rather than just be a little overwhelmed by it. The problem with those kind of tours is, they are a long day, I was up from around 5am in the morning and wasn’t home till almost 11pm where I had to get the Mothership ready for bed. I think I am only now starting to recover. I really want to go again, but don’t think anyone else is to keen, ah well!

Other tiny updates:

Currently Listening to – Fleet Foxes – White Winter Hymnal.

Currently Watching – Orphan Black – amazing show totally addicted.

Currently contemplating – going to bed


SSDD but that’s life!

Yet again it’s hard to believe it’s been almost three weeks since I sat down to write. As usual, it’s not because I didn’t want to,  I think about writing all the time, it just never happens.

Last week I had this crazy idea that I was going to carry my lap top to work with me, take a half day  and spend the afternoon somewhere in the city with a cup of coffee while leeching free WiFi off the person who provided it, blogging away to my hearts content about all that was going on around me. It never happened, there are usually conflicting interests these days, something always needs done that is slightly more important than anything else.

I’ve been struggling lately, home life has been.. I dunno actually, how do I describe it, well lets just say things are not getting any better. There is just no escape from it, hence the reason behind my wish for an impromptu afternoon. Every day I lose a little bit more of my free time, I’ll only have just sat down  before the Mothership comes a knocking, which makes me want to knock my head repeatedly against a wall. The worst bit is that lately she has been more vocal, so when she’s shouting at me that I do nothing for her while sucking up my free time, well you get the drift right, there is only so much counting to ten a sane person can do. It’s exhausting.

Work has been hectic, relentless sometimes, but yesterday was the first time I’ve worked a weekend in a while and even then I only worked for half a day. I don’t want to be in the position where I have too much time again.

I need to stop getting so stressed out about simple things, I feel like such a second rate citizen sometimes, like I am lagging behind, even though everyone tells me that is not the case. Lack of sleep honestly has a lot to answer for, it makes everything seem worse than it actually is. Last night I was so tired I got into bed at 8.30pm and set my alarm for 30 mins just so I could have a nap to tide me over till the Mothership came up for the bedtime routine. At one point in the midst of all the shouting when she finally did come up, I was begging her just to go to bed because I was so tired. By the time I eventually got everything sorted I was wide awake again, go figure. Yet without fail I’ll be woken at 7am the next morning with her screaming because shock feckin horror the Fathership is trying to wash her hands.

There have however been little glimmers of the good stuff in the middle of the mire. I’ve got Spotify premium, well I have it for 3 months anyway owing to the fact that it was on offer at 99p! I know fine well that I am going to be gutted when the trial runs out, but I’m not sure I can justify spending £9.99 a month. So if you have any chilled out music you think I might like then please let me know, I am always looking for additions to my Songs for Writing playlist.

I also had to get a new mobile phone which meant going back onto a contract. Mine was working not too bad, the only problem was it had completely run out of internal memory, even with all the non essential apps removed. So far so good the new one is much better, and ladies believe me, that extra half inch makes all the difference…..screen size ya dirty buggers! I do however miss my little notification light, there is no more blinking when someone from the outside world tries to contact me, instead I have to touch the phone but hey ho, I’ll get used to it.

It’s good  to be back, I’ve missed you guys :)


*SSDD – same shit, different day :)